The sigh escapes in a loud and violent and exhausted burst. It even has little angry spores that scratch my throat as I exhale.
I’m tired and I’m grumpy and I’m ready for the next phase to start. God, when is it going to start? I’m waiting and I’m trying to be patient, but I’m literally coming to the end of myself in the waiting.
Good grief, maybe that’s the point.
I think what I need is time alone. Really alone. With no one and no thing and just silence and time for me to exhale in a happy and contented and quiet sigh. Time alone where two-foot high eyes don’t suddenly appear while I’m taking a shower. Where I can blow dry my hair without an interruption just once. Where I don’t feel time is wasted going back and forth and back and forth and where my efforts are valued just a little, teeny, tiny bit. Where phone conversations work both ways and the other person asks how I am, too.
I’m frustrated and short-fused and ready for the next phase to start. God, when is it going to start??
I heard Beth Moore say one time that when we wait on the Lord our strength is renewed (Isaiah 40:31). And that God also showed her the converse perspective — that when we wait on the person or the thing or the event, our strength is depleted.
So I’m waiting and I’m trying to be patient, but I’m literally coming to the end of myself in the waiting. My strength is depleted. I’m obviously waiting on the wrong thing.
Where’s the fine, blurry Line between anticipating and trusting and waiting expectantly and being content where you are?
I can’t find The Line.
I’m trying to walk my talk and elevate my thoughts and think on things that are good and true and noble and honest. But honestly, it’s hard to do that today. I think maybe just for today, I’ll have cake and ice cream and pin-the-tail-on-my-dreams and host a pity party for one.
Maybe The Line will crash my party and give me tightrope walking lessons.
Do you have days like this, too? Sometimes it just helps to know things aren’t always greener and lusher and easier on the other side of the screen. Did you need to know that today, too? Sometimes it just helps to vent and dump and get thoughts organized where their power is weakened. Do you need to do that today too? I invite you to share and dump and just get it out today if you need it. I promise not to judge or criticize or offer advice. I’ll just sigh with you and say yep, me too.
The sigh now escapes less loud and is a less violent burst. It’s still a sigh of exhaustion, but it’s not as heavy. Maybe this is where The Line is. Maybe The Line shows up in our honesty and expression of our feelings. Maybe The Line appears when we end our psalm of frustration like David always did…choosing to praise Him anyway.
“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.”
(Psalm 13)
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